Welcome to the blog, Angela Wachsman! This woman of God is beautifully bold in sharing her story of being adopted and walking through healing and forgiveness.  This post is so filled with wisdom and truth, a must-read for anyone processing forgiveness and mended relationships.

“Who am I to write about relationships?”  That was my first thought as I was told the topic to write about for this blog.  My relationships aren’t perfect, but instead, despite my efforts and passion for healthy relationships, messy.  I got all jumbled up inside.  I asked myself, “Why is this happening?”  Fear!  The fear of what others would think of me, the fear of rejection, judgment, being misunderstood and being silenced.  Life-altering circumstances occurred two years ago with significant relationships where I began to have severe separation anxiety.  My mother died last year, and my heart was pierced so fiercely from misunderstandings and miscommunications, that at times I couldn’t create, work, or even breathe.  As a result, I blamed myself. I’ve always worked hard to try to make those relationships work, to fix it, but to no avail.  That is, until God’s love and grace ran me down and showed me differently, gave me hope, changed my thinking, and thus my life.  I’m braving it by writing, believing maybe someone will benefit from hearing and be encouraged.

My life has not been perfect, not the “normal.”  In fact, not anything close to it.  I used to think I was a mess and “bad” until the Lord showed me my life is not a mess, but rather His miracle.  Yes, my life has been a messy, muddy miracle, one right after the other.  It has taken me 52 years to understand and embrace that.  I am adopted.  I searched and found my biological mother 26 years ago.  I learned that my biological mother was very young.  She wanted me, but due to the dysfunction of her parents, I was placed into temporary and then permanent custody of the county, later to be adopted.  We love each other and are still connected.  It has not been easy, but we practice “forgiveness” often.  I had an adoptive mom who loved me but was very wounded from significant loss in her own childhood and life.  She had relinquished a little boy due to poverty and never quite healed from it or talked about it.

What I’ve learned is that love is messy and risky.  We must be vulnerable and transparent to really love and let ourselves be loved by somebody. We must be good listeners.  We must be willing to apologize and make amends for any wrongs we’ve done.  We must be willing to “see” our blind spots, let our guards down, and learn how to love well.  That is the goal of life.  The biggest problem in this world is when people don’t feel loved or are not loved.  We are called to love.  We are called to love the difficult or unlovable people, even when it’s not reciprocated, even when you’re not honored.  Honoring, forgiving, asking forgiveness, and loving people all the time is impossible in our own strength.  God is love and God calls us to love Him, ourselves, and others.  We must know the nature and character of Christ, that He is good and love itself. We must know and understand the finished work of the cross and His grace.  If we do not know these facts, it will be difficult to trust Him, almost impossible to let Him love us, love Him, love ourselves, and love others.  We can think badly of ourselves, but He always thinks good of us and loves us endlessly!

I didn’t ask to be adopted.  I didn’t have a choice.  I did not even have a voice in the matter.  It just happened.  In life, our every choice, good, bad, or ugly, affects another’s life one way or another, forever.  There’s loss, grief, and trauma in adoption that sometimes is overlooked.  The trauma of separation between a baby and its mother, its first family, the infertility of adoptive parents, and much more.  We tend to forget that part, not discussing the aftermath.  But kids need to talk about it, ask questions, and know, that no matter what, they’re going to be loved, accepted, safe, and not left. No one is perfect.  We have experienced adversities in life that change us forever and change our outlook on life.  God’s judgment and wrath were poured out on Christ, so we could be reconciled to Him once and for all.  He is not mad at us! He is in love with us and stands with arms wide open to change our way of thinking about Him, ourselves, and others, and to begin to live the best life now!  We can know and embrace His love, grace, and the knowledge of Christ, and mature in our faith and relationships.

Adoptive parents are wise to know and seek the Lord for their own happiness, fulfillment, wisdom and grace in parenting someone else’s child as their own. Biological parents need healing from grief, guilt, and shame. Adoptees do well when they know that no matter what, they’re loved and not going to be left again, no matter what. There’s so much pain, shame, anger, guilt, lies, and silence.  What can we do to heal?  How can we mend the brokenness? How can we learn to love each other well, and thrive, not merely survive?  Maybe by owning our wrongs, making things right, being willing to communicate to deepen connection, starting anew with a clean slate, and not letting fear govern our minds and wills, but instead embracing faith.  We all need the Savior; the One who makes all things new; the One who comforts and takes our pain away because He took all our pain upon himself; the One who restores everything better than ever; the One who keeps us and helps us to love, forgive, live, hope; the One who is more than enough when people we love, decide to walk away.  We need only believe and pray!

I love both of my families, every single person. I am thankful for my adoptive family and everything they’ve done for me and my children.  I am thankful for my biological family that has helped me know who I am.  I am thankful to God for both miracles of life and love, restoration and transformation.  By the power of God’s love and His word, I am believing His words over my own stinking thinking or the negative words of others.  What God has shown me, is that I’m not in control.  I need to let go of control, let go of judgment and disappointments, lower my expectations, stop sniveling, lose my insecurities and fears, and learn to love.  That’s maturity.  I have been afraid to love because I don’t want to be forgotten, left, or not valued.  There have been times when I didn’t think I could live without certain relationships.  I was codependent and did everything to gain access until the Lord began to show me the journey is and has always been about Him and me.   That He is my Father, I was His thought and came from Him, and I’m meant to be here to love people, and that love will lead them to an encounter with Jesus Christ that will change their minds, hearts, and life.
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Messy Muddy Miracles!  Love is messy!  Life is messy!  Miracles can be messy!   An illustration of this can be found in Luke: 7, where Mary brought her alabaster box and poured its perfume on Jesus and kissed his feet and wiped the dirt off Him.  People in the room judged her, but Jesus justified her and memorialized her act of love and worship.  In John: 11, the death of Lazarus was really all about relationship, trust, and a new beginning.  He called his friend Lazarus forth from the grave and told the people to unwrap the grave clothes.  This messy, stinky miracle provoked communication and relationship and restoration and faith and perhaps even the revival and transformation of a city.  Finally, Jesus healed a blind man at Bethsaida, in Mark: 8.  Some people brought a blind man to Jesus and begged him to heal the blind man.  Jesus took him by the hand (relational, friendship, compassion) and led him outside the village.  He spits on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him.  “Do you see anything?”  Twice, He asked.  The man’s eyes were opened, his sight restored, and he saw everything clearly.  God gives us faith to believe in Jesus, who opens our eyes to see everything clearly and to learn to love well.  We are eternally accepted, belonging, and loved!

ANGELA M. WACHSMAN is a seasoned freelance court reporter, visionary; wife of a highly decorated retired Veteran Marine; a Mother of two children, and now grammie. She is a freelance writer whose articles on adoption have been published here in Ohio, and articles on life lessons as a single parent and parenting with Grace now published in China through Gifts of Joy Ministries. She is a gifted singer/songwriter, professional recording artist of a Christian Contemporary CD (c) 2010, and now PUBLISHED recording artist of new single and music video Forgiveness 2016 (c) now on iTunes and YouTube.  She has appeared on neobiztvshows.com‘s online internet TV show with International Motivational Speaker, Author and Life Coach DeLores Pressley to share on The Power of Forgiveness.  She is an aspiring author and speaker sharing her story from grief to grace, finding identity in Christ, and being changed by love. She is pursuing her education to acquire her minister’s license.

P.S. Looking for a study to help you heal from relationship wounds?  The Scars of Grace study will walk you step-by-step through God’s grace and how it intersects your life to bring restoration.